Are you a mom or a martyr? Which role do you play in your day to day life? This is an important question because it illuminates the degree to which you meet your own needs each day.
What are you talking about, Lisa?!
Martyr Moms are those women who enjoy broadcasting the fact that their needs are seldom met. Martyr moms brag about this as if they should earn a girl scout badge. Have you ever heard these conversations?
- Oh, I never have time to work out-like I have time for exercise these days. Maybe when the kids leave home?!
- It’s not like I have time to get my hair cut! I wake up and then it’s 10PM! (sob)
- Reading? You’ve got to be kidding me. I haven’t read a book since they were born! (heard of the iPhone?)
- She obviously goes to the gym for like, 4 hours a day. Like I have time for that (agreed, but we do have time for at least a half hour of exercise).
- I don’t have time for friends-she must not have kids.
And then there are the more obvious, vicious comments towards other women whose needs are clearly met that aren’t worth repeating. We have all heard them. The point is that these comments have little to do with the “other” woman and everything to do with the speaker (who is actually feeling overweight, disconnected, lonely, and pissed off at those who aren’t).
Martyr moms trumpet their dedication to self deprivation to prove their own dedication to motherhood. Note that few care anyway, but martyr moms don’t realize that yet. This isn’t healthy, nor does it set a good example for healthy lifestyle for your children. At the end of the day, the martyr mom is resentful because she gives to others from a place of obligation as opposed to altruism.
Self nurture is essential for healthy living for everyone, but particularly for mothers. Self nurture refers to the importance of meeting your personal needs-what are they? Most people need exercise, sleep, healthy food, friendship, and fun. This isn’t to say that you should go shopping and sit in the spa all day long to be a good mother-that would take self nurture into the frontier of narcissism, which isn’t a good place either. Taking at least 30 minutes and better yet, an hour, each day to meet your needs will help you give to your family and children from a place of altruism as opposed to resentment.
Remember the old airline reminder to mothers? ”Place your oxygen mask on yourself before placing it on your child.” This is counterintuitive of course, but it’s a great metaphor for today. Decide what your personal needs are and then commit to meeting those. Not only will you feel happier and healthier, you’ll teach your children to do the same. Don’t feel guilty for taking time out for yourself-self care is the first step towards being a great mom. Heck, you’ll also avoid becoming one of the Martyr Moms.
That’s all for today, folks. If you’re one of those Martyr Moms, take some time to have a little fun today. I’m off to get some work done (I already worked out this morning). Ta-ta!
