Last night was Monday night, which means that I spent significant time watching one of the dumbest reality shows on television: The Bachelor. This “reality” dating show couldn’t be further from the reality of real relationships and yet, I watch it anyway. Not only do I watch this show, I do so gleefully. Delightfully. As if someone were handing me a chocolate fudge sundae and saying, “here, eat this while I give you a foot rub.”
Why, oh why, do we love to watch this show? Reality shows are like magnified people watching, and people can oh so entertaining. I am utterly amazed by the stupidity, manipulation, and 100% pure narcissism. Not only that, this show leaves me feeling ready to renew my vows to my husband every Monday night. If these single people are the best of the best, then I am fairly certain that I would rather gouge my eyeballs out than be 20-something in the dating world again.
Last night was particularly titillating (pun intended) for those of us who appreciate good smut. Each week, these girls reveal more shocking layers of their personality dysfunctions than ever before. Where shall I start??
Black Widow
Courtney, the man eating, woman hating, lip pooching model who will stop at nothing until she reaches the alter with Ben. She is most annoyed by 1) other women and 2) clothing. Since The Bachelor involves both, we get to watch her spin her web and devour Ben in front of the other women each week. She is the most hated female in the house and the most manipulative player in the game by far. Should Ben decide to walk away from her, I am pretty sure she may eat him.
The Rapper
This seemingly smart chick is working on her doctorate in infectious disease, and she has a penchant for rapping about Ben and germs. She shared her rapping skills with us during the first episode when she wrote, performed, and produced her first number for Ben. CRINGE. WORTHY. Ben apparently liked Queen Latifah Emily enough to keep her around, and we were graced with another hit single wherein she rapped about……you guessed it…..Ben and germs. BIGGEST CRINGE EVER CRINGED UNTIL………
Blossom Returns.
This chick makes a non-impression with her case of verbal diarrhea with Ben. Meanwhile, Courtney aka Black Widow begins to slink around in the background in her white bikini. Blossom continues to go on and on like Charlie Brown’s teacher while we watch Ben mentally vacate the premesis. He completely and effectively tunes her out while engaging in a fantasy swim with Courtney. Disappointed that her words did not have the intended impact, Blossom returns to her room, paints on a red dress, and rehearses her first kiss from the 12th grade in front of the mirror. She then reads Wifey by Judy Bloom and memorizes a few lines to use on Ben at the cocktail party. I couldn’t help but feel obligated to contact the producers (since everyone else does) to tell them that Blossom, that awkward, lanky adolescent from the 1980s hit show, was straddling Ben Flajnik.
Honorary Mentions
Pretty Woman
Blakely showed us that not all Carolina Girls are sweet southern girls. Not that they should be, don’t get me wrong. Spice can be a really good thing, but it seemed like a little too much when Blakely began to dry hump Ben’s leg during the salsa lesson. I had a gut feeling that Ben was about to sit her on top of a piano, whiskey in hand, while playing a soulful number and having his way with her. Until he decided she could work another street and sent her packing for home.
Princess Diana
Kacie was awarded with the highly sought after “one on one date” with Ben, wherein we witnessed her monologue on Self Revelations Gained From My Eating Disorder. I waited for Ben to give her a cookie or maybe a gold medal for showing such valor and personal victory, but he merely handed her a rose. Her revelations were so deep that I had to pause the show and go inward for introspective thought and reflection. PS: It is rumored that she will be absent from the show next week while shopping for a new flat iron.
Sweet Valley Twin
This chick was called out by Chris, who was all “Dude, you totally have a boyfriend with whom you are currently living and fornicating.” Her response? No way. Well, maybe. Kind of. Sort of. Yes? Yes. YES, I DO FORNICATE WITH ANOTHER!!! She made a dramatic exit while wailing and reminding me of Jessica from the Sweet Valley Twins. Let me offer my friends who remember those twins a moment to quietly reflect on the glaring similarities. Where is the red fiat when you need one?!
And last but not least, we’re left with Linzi, the only good catch left on the show from Dumpsville. Hopefully, Ben will keep her around despite the fact that her therapy bill is far lower than the rest. Then again, maybe she will show us the reason(s) she is still single during future episodes.
That’s all from Boca Raton today, folks. Yes, I just wrote an entire post on The Bachelor. And you read it. Give me credit-I am sitting at gymnastics for quite a stretch of time, and I could either a) continue with my SEO on our other websites b) write more content for our websites or c) BLOG ABOUT THE BACHELOR. Clearly, C is the better choice.
Private message to Mike: I did so much SEO work today that my brain has now gone offline. Don’t give me lip later this evening or I may share with all of our internet friends the fact that you love to watch The Bachelor whilst eating cookies and ice cream.
